I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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