My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
