Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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