I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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