eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
