I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
