By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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