two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
