Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
