Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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