The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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