Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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