You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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