6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
