She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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