I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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