I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
