she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
What a dumb baby whore.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
