paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
