I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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