rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
