I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
