Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
