Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
