Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
