I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
