Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
