apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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