I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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