while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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