I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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