my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize