I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
