hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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