Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
