That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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