I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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