Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
