Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And then the night went full on bisexual.
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