Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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