I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
