I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I need to calm my uterus...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
