Need sex. Gaining weight.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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