I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
