did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
