Michael Bay diarrhea
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
