6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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