my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
40s are totally the cure
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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