shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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