Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
