i wish starbucks made bloody marys
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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