that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
