when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
this hospital has no fireball
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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