drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
